Transitions/Life Changes

Transitions/ Life Change. Did you know there is a difference between transitions and change? Change is the situation, the action, moving to a new home., having a baby etc and Transition is the psychological, how you perceive the situation or change. What you think about what happens to you has a great impact on how you respond. If you think it is a bad thing, then you might experience denial, or rebellious behaivor. If you think it is a good thing then you might embrace it for what it is. Sometimes we do the changing and sometimes change does us,. the times when we don't want the change. Its those times that are the most difficult. We spend some time in denial, or we say, this is too hard I don't want to deal with it. When this happens, we stay stuck and can't move forward and accept the change. Acceptance is really gut wrenching thing sometimes. We will first try to do everything to not accept, stay in denial, ignore it, rebell, but all this does is make us sick or can get us in trouble depending on the kind of rebellion we choose.
The psychological piece is the part that we struggle with. If we don't accept it it will take us a long time to move forward and we will suffer stress and be miserable. You can't make change go away. It tests our control issues big time. If we don't want the change , we feel powerless about it and that feeds into our self esteem. Also change brings fear, confusion, and when we dno't want to confront that we go back to our comfort zone, no matter how hard or negative it is.
When you chnage your thoughs you change your behavior. We need to try and be positive about every thing that happens to us. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we handle it, yet we choose to dwell on the 10%.
Choose being positive. You will feel much better and have a happier life. Somnetimes you might need a life coach to help you through the transition. If this is true, please sign up for my free session to see if I can be of service to you. If not, find a way to embrace every experience in your life and learn the lessson that life is trying to give you.

Women who give to much

My friend and I were talking and she was telling me how she feels all worn out and that she isn't appreciated. After our discussion I did some research and learned that there are a lot of women out there who feel the same way. I couldn't really find a place for women to go that felt like they needed support, TLC and that they were not alone. I now have started WOMEN WHO GIVE TO MUCH groups and they are absolutely FREE to participate. The groups are small 4-6, and meet on all different days and times. It is a place where women can chat and express their feelings, and exchange numbers so they can contact each other if they want to between groups. We are a support for each other, thats all, but alot of times if we feel supported and heard, we can get through the rest of the day. Teh group only meets for 1 1/2 hours so as not to take up too much of our time. Women of all different races, ages and single, or married can attend. Leave the kids at home---- this is ME time and no kids, men or family members aloud. As women we give and give to others and forget about our selves, or we are last on our list and just never get to it because other things come up. As women we need to "put our selves on the list" we are just as important as the other folks we give too. I want us to decide who will be on OUR list, we make the choice, but we are always at the top. Many of you might think this is selfish, however, we have to be able to take care of ourselves first for a number of reasons: 1. IF we choose to take care of others, we need to be healthy both emotionally and physically to be able to do that, 2. If we choose not to take care of others at a certain time, we have to be ok with that and not feel guilty about saying yes to ourselves and 3. we only go around once in this life and we need to be able to enjoy ourselves and our life also.
So come and join us. Contact me at 734-678-1168 to find the right day and time for you to feel supported, and for ME time. Susan

self inventory

I was doing a group for female recovering substance abusers and the topic was STep 4, Doing a Fearless Moral Inventory. For those of you not familiar, it is part of the 12 step program of AA/NA. As we were working on the step, I thought that this could easily apply to anyone, anywhere. IT is the heart and soul of recovery, if you don't do it, you will probably relapse, its that simple. If we apply it to the rest of the population, it could keep us happy, safe and out of trouble. It has to do with staying out of other peoples business, not worrying about what other people think of you or about you. It has to do with honestly looking at our selves from an objective view and assess our strengths and weaknesses. CHanging those things which are negative such as resentmens, anger, fears, dishonesty, jealousy, critizing others, and self pity. Do you know it takes more energy to have these characteristics and work like hell not to deal with them or make a change. It would be so much easier if people would do the necessary work to change these "character defects", as they say in the program. But because of these very defects, people do not make changes. People don't want to really look at them selves, they don't want to appear weak and they certainly don't want to acknowledge that these are the reasons they are negative and not happy people. Don't get me wrong, all of us have these characteristics at one time or another, it is hard not to, but if you begin to see a pattern forming thats when there could be a problem. I notice that people are only willing to become aware of there issues when they are forced to, such as going to jail, being on probation, having kids taken away. I didn't say they are willing to change, just that sometimes life forces you to notice things that you don't want to notice. In the program, addicts pick a sponsor who guides them through the 12 steps of the program. A sponsor is someone who you can trust, and is willing to be objective and not tell you just what you want to hear. I think more of us should find a "sponsor" and do the "step 4" work that is necessary to have a happy, productive and peaceful life. Susan

Don't let work define you

So many of us become workaholics, we either work one job more than 8 hours, 6-7 days a week, or we work 2-3 jobs during the week. I myself was working 3 jobs, (at the same company) but would begin work at 8:00 am and not leave work till 9:30-10:00 pm. By the time I got home, my daughter was busy, husband in bed and the house a mess. I did this for almost 7-9 years. Well I suddenly lost my job, I had been working for almost 30 years of my life. My daughter was in college, my son was living somewhere else and my husband was traveling and away alot. I got up one day and said, where is eveyone, what am I suppose to do. I was totally depressd for a long time. I would be sad, one minute, angry the next and sleep alot. I wouldn't know what to do with my self. Everything I was and did was related to my work. I didn't really know anything else. I had never been in this position before. I also was going through menopause and had those syptoms to deal with. I felt alone and realized there was no one to talk to on a daily basis like I was use too, unless I left the house or called people, but most of them were working or out with their kids. Then my son decided to get married and I was asked to be involved in the showers, wedding issues and such and asked for my opinon on things. I had never been asked these things before and I was also asked to be creative in making favors and such and host a rehearsal dinner. I was scared. I wanted everything to be nice for my son, but I had never done these things before. I had to actually write things down and think about what would be nice and what they wanted and then decide where and how to get them and afford them. It actually turned out to be fun and the rehearsal dinner and showers turned out great. I was pretty proud of myself because all I really Knew was work. After the wedding, I decided that maybe there are other things I am good at, or that I like to do.
The point of the above is that alot of us let work or our careers define who we are and then when we lose a job or career, we don't know who we are. Our self esteem was built around work, alot of us are different people at work then we are at home. WHile I was comming out of my depression, I bought some self help books and began to read about how to improve my self esteem. I thought, I could help my clients discover who they were, why can't I do it for my self. A great friend suggested using my work skills, combine with the new interests and skills I was learning and start a new career. THat was all I needed, someone to validate me. So with the help of my husband and mother, I did some research and discovered the career of being a life coach. I could do it at home, on the phone, with little start up money and could get self trained. I found an office space I could rent cheap, fixed it up, got business cards and letterhead and began my company.
Since then, alot of my friends have lost their jobs. I would share with them the importance of not letting work define who they are, and trying not to get depressed.
I have grown alot since I lost my job. I feel I have a better relationship with my children, my husband and mostly with my self. I'm realizing that there are things I like that I never knew, that I am more self reliant than I ever thought, and that I can do what ever I want if I really want to do it. Believe me, it takes a lot of patience, and work to achieve some things, especially to learn about myself, some things I learned I did't like, but I used that to help me grow my business and began to have more positive thoughts about life in general. If I had let work define me I think my life would be so different and boring right now. So next time someone asks you to try something new that is not work related, do it. You just might learn something about yourself that you didn't know. Susan

how are things

Yesterday, a friend asked me "How are things going". I had to stop and think a minute. That is a hard question to answer. How are things going, compared to what?,yesterday? last year? the future? I really didn't know. Most people just ask that question to be nice, and most people answer back. ok or its going, without really thinking about it. When we think about it it may put things in perspective for us. For me, compared to the last couple years of my life, now is great. But compared to 5 years ago, it is not, and compared to the future, we never know. Compared to yesterday, I just woke up, who know's how the day will go. So How do you answer that quetion? When you think about it, life is a series of give and take, balance and trade offs. In one part of my life, things are going great, in another part its ok and in another part, it could be better. So which way do I answer? I think that is part of growing and experiencing life, having a balance and maintaining the status quo in certain areas and hoping to have a greater experience in some areas. Sometimes it seems like as soon as you get one part of your life together, another part needs addressing and so on and so forth. Maintaining a balance should prevent that. But to have balance in our life, we need self discipline. For me, its hard to have self discipline in the winter. ITs gloomy, its hard to get outside sometimes and its hard to drive places. But the trade off would be that I could be doing things, inside things, reading for my job, reading for pleasure, cleaning my house, writing letters, e mailing people, calling people I haven't talked to in a while. It can still be productive but in a different way. I think it is our perception and the way we look at "how's it going" as to the way we answer it. I think as long as we have passion for what we are doing at the time, then it doesn't matter how we answer that question, because it will always be the same. "its going just the way it is suppose to".

serenity

I just finished watching the inaugeration of our new president. Talk about serenity signs wow. It was amazing to see all those people over a million, in the washington d.c. mall, all colors, sizes, religions, peaceful and joinging together to support the new president. It made me swell with pride seeing that. I remember the 1968 riots, with one race against another. It was horrible. I hope that those millons of people, really live this peace that they demonstratd. I hope it wasn't just for show. But I wonder if it was, because it was cold, some people had been there all night. I never thought I would see the day in my life time that an African American would be president, although I did think we would see that before we saw a women. It is still a man's world, black or white. The speech obama gave appeared very sincere and infectious, I hope in this case, it is infectious.
As I watched the old president depart in his helicopter, I couldn't help but think that a chapter is over, hopefullly. The old and negative is leaving, and the young and positive is beginning. It is kinda of exciting to see what the future holds, scary yes, but Obama, to me gives off a very positive, spiritual and peaceful ora. It is history, any way you look at it. Something to tell our grandchildren.(ha ha)

the universe

I just hung up the phone with my friend and I was telling her that I was a little bummed because things weren't going as well as I thought things would and she was telling me that she thought everything was going well. Then she told me about my friends, one who relapsed and died and one who's husband relapsed and is now after her and she now lives in a shelter afraid for her life. I tell you, if that is not the universe responding to me, I don't know what is. How can I feel bad when my friends have it worse than me. You know, I really believe in the universe, this is not the first time it has spoken to me, it is just the first time I heard it. We need to listen to our life, it always gives us answers when we are seeking them. The trouble is people are either to busy or afraid to listen. Sometimes the universe tells us what we want to hear, sometimes what we need to hear and sometimes it tells us what we don't want to hear. We need to slow down and smell the roses. We need to listen more and talk less. This time I listened, I guess cause I have learned the hard way--that is, didn't listen or ignored what it was telling me in the past. So when you do listen and hear, then what. You have to be in a position to do something about it. Are you ready to change. Sometimes life forces you too, and sometimes you need too. People, myself included, sometimes don't handle change well. Its the fear of the unknown, how will things be different, will it be worse or better. I think that any time the universe answers and you listen, it has to be better than where you are. So it got me to think about what I could change and gave me incentive to get moving on something, probably because I feel guilty when I should feel blessed and grateful about my life. I am right where I am suppose to be.

frustrations

I talk to others about remaining positive and having positive self talk. I think it is harder to do it to my self. Today, I call people for my business and have to leave messages. I go on line to chat and no one is there. I feel like the day has not been productive except I am mailing out warm letters ( I am a life coach) to people I don't know hoping I will get a lead. It is really frustrating. I use to work full time and would always return my messages and respond to chats. I wonder about people that don't answer their messages. You wonder if it is you, but then you have to say, they don't even know me, so how can it be. I have to start pulling out my self affirmations and give my self positive talks and remind myself that is takes time to build a business and I just started. I am also an empty nester and my kids don't call as often as I would like them too and that is also frustrating. Frustrating means that people aren't responding as I would like them too and I have to remember that it is not about me but about the people I am contatcting. They are working full time, are busy, I am not. I want things down and to happen like "yesterday" and I need to learn that people don't move that fast. It is easy to know that when you are on the working end of things but when I am the one doing the networking, it gets frustrating. So I play a game on my computer, or read for fun, or play suduko to help my mind stay active. It also helps me think and decide what I need to do to fix the situation. Am I doing all I can do to get the results I want. The answer is usually no. I am resisting and I know it so how can I expect others who are not resisting but working to fix the situation.
We need to remember that in todays world. To be self reliant and independent, we need to be part of the solution, take our own inventory and then proceed accordingly. This new life (of working part time) takes getting use to. I went from working 3 jobs and not being home to none and then working part time and being home when my kids are now gone. Go Figure. Life works in crazy ways. Susan

self confidnece

I just got done talking to my daughter on the phone. She is away at college. I miss her so much. When she was living at home, I thought we had a close bond. I'll never forget the day we took her to college and all the way home, I felt bad. When we walked into the house, it was so quite and empty (except for our 2 dogs), there was no radio blaring, no one talking on the cell phone and no shower running. I sat on her bed and cried. I called her to see how she was and she had met some kids in the room next door already. I thought, I am the one going through "withdrawl". She is just having fun. The calls were often at first, and then they faded. I started thinking maybe we weren't that close at all. Then I thought, this is what it is suppose to be like, you guided her all through her 18 years and now she is suppose to experience life using the tools that I gave her, and hopefully she uses the right tools for the right problems. I guess she has good self confidence and is able to navigate through, so I guess we did a good job. Now she is in her senior year at college and I appreciate her now more as a kind of friend than a mother. She gives me praise and builds my self confidence since I started a new business. I tell you the best way to build self confidence is to be an empty nester. See I worked 2-3 jobs all my life and got laid off my last one, and decided that since I have the opportunity to, I don't want to work so many jobs. You definately have to find something to do, or you will go crazy. Talk about building self esteem. Going from a mom, I also have a son who is married and beginning his new life, 3 jobs, and keeping up with a house, two dogs and a husband, to just the dogs the house and the husband, is quite a change. It builds character, you really find out if you let your job define who you are or not. It's kind of nice learning about my self my likes and dislikes. I am learning I am creative, organized, and enjoying life more not that I can breathe. I don't think I ever want to work full time again, although I know that life happens and sometimes you can't do what you want. I actually like having every day be different, and becoming more creative and learning about a lot of things. My self confidence has improved, although as a life coach, I have had to stretch my self to do things I need to do to build my business, but don't necessarily want to . I guess you can say that my children are now helping me to grow, giving me tools and guiding me in life. Susan

did you ever

I had a hard time thinking about what to write about today. Did you evernotice when something bad happens or something emotional, we have a lot to say, at least I do, but when everything is status quo, it is harder to come up with something. I wonder why this is.? I, like I know others, have a hard time enjoying good things happening. We have that sudden attack that in a minute it will be gone, or something bad will follow which will take our mind off enjoying the good things. Well, one of my resolutions for this year, is to embrace the good things, enjoy them, because you never know when they will be taken away. It involves not changing what happens to you but changing how you look or think about them. I can either be fearful of the negative or embrace it. Its how we choose. In my CBT classess that I teach, this is what I share with my studentss,( I should practice what I preach) change your thinking and your behavior and feelings will change with it and thus, your perspective on things. It has taken me a long time to be able to do this. I was always worried about "The next thing" what whould it be, I was scared of it. But I learned two things, have faith,and be grateful, and that I could handle what ever it is, so why be afraid of it. I never thought like that before, but I noticed when I was grateful for what I had, and did, and experienced that, then it was easier to handle the negative things that popped up. Also, I learned that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Half the time, the fears I expereinced weren't really as bad once I did it. I have been afraid to fly all my life. A couple years ago after my brother passed, I wanted to see my other brother so bad, and my daughter had a soccer tournament in California and I didn't want to be left behind, I finally said, What the heck, and flew on the plane anyway. You know what, it really wasn't that bad, I got some reading done and some magazines read. I don't love it, but on the way home, I started to relax a little more. I remember that as I am writing about fears and gratitude. I am grateful for that experience now, but at the time I was mad that I had to do it in order to get what I wanted. So the lessons learned as we experience this journey of life, is to stay in the present so you can enjoy what happens to you, be grateful for people and things in your life, and change your thinking about how you see things. I know my life seems a little better for it and I can only hope it gets better. Susan

serenity

I just heard about a nother friend who's child died. When I first heard this it shouk me alittle. It brings up your own mortatlity for a minute. I also was mad at the Universe because that is not suppose to be the order of things. Parents should never have to bury their children. What is the lesson here? I think it intensifys the importance of being great to everyone every day. It shows we are not given tomorrow. We need to live everyday like it is our last, because it might be. That means we need to be positive, and kind and empathetic and love ourselves as well as others. We need to tell our loved ones we love them every day, we need to treat others with dignity, amd respect. It actually takes more energy to be bad then it does to be nice. Why do so many people work so hard at being mean to others. Put more energy into being kind and loving. I don't mean to sound like Pollyanana but these things need to be said and heard more often. The next time you want to argue with someone, think about these things before you speak. What ever you say or do may be that persons last vision of you. Try to make it a happy and loving one. Susan

gratitude

By now everyone has heard about Johnm Travoltas son dieing at age 16. I can't even imagine what it is like to lose a child. I have lost a sibling, but my mother said it is not the same. When I hear things like this, I am so grateful that I have my kids and that we have a good relationship. Too many parents treat their kids like crap, and it is so bad. Thats the reason a lot of the kids are bad adults. I'm not saying that all parents do this, but I have been in the field for 30 years and I have seen hundreds of parents who would send them to me to fix when the problem is not with the kid. We are not given tomorrow, and this is a good example. We need to love our kids and treat them like humans every day, cause you don't know when you won't be able to anymore. I think the hardest part of losing a child is having to keep going for the other kids and also help them grieve when you can't even grieve. I don;t mean to make this so morbid, but I had to write so I would feel better. Once again here is a serene sign, that we need to live in peace with each other and hug our kids every night. Susan

signs of serenity

signs of serenity

This is my first blog. I didn't even know what one was until few weeks ago. To me it is a journal where I can write my thoughts outloud. Maybe you might have some of the same or maybe not. I chose the title Signs of Serenity because that is what I hope this year will be about for me. My last couple years have not been serene" (peaceful) to say the least. Like many of us, I have been through trials and tribulations, from losing a job, family emergencies, empty nest issues and processing my own thoughts and feelings about life.

Iwant to teach others, through coaching or teaching (both the same) things I wished others would have taught or shown me. I know sometimes we are all bull headed and want to try things our selves. But why, it would be so nice if people just listened to others and gained wisdom that way. But I guess then it wouldn't have as much meaning now would it. Serenity to me means, peace, contentment, not just on the outside but on the inside as well. Even though the inside does't show as much, this is where often the most chaos and pain takes place. So many people want to skip the inside and try and change the outside. But I leaned long a go that it just doesn't work or is an "instant" fix and one that is temporary. To quote Susan Jeffers, in her book, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. Some of us need a little kick in the behind to do this. I say when your reality sucks real bad or is too painful, we will embrace the fear and make changes anyway. Isn't that crazy. Why can't we make things simple and peaceful and embrace every experience good or bad, process it and move on. That is the only way to find peace. On some level, we must trust our souls and selfs and do it anyway.